hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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