I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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