After last night, I could never be a politician.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
