During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
