she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
