Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize