can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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