If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
