I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
