he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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