"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
