so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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