my phone needs a breathalizer
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
