Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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