is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
