I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
