i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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