taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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