so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
