FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
