He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
try to milk me bitch
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