Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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