i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
