apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
