i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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