I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
