He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
