I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
