They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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