Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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