I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
