i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
