her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
