Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
