I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
