I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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