He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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