She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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