Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
