why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
