dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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