At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
