when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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