she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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