hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
