I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
