So drunk its hurt
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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