I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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