Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
