U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
