im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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