Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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