he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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