my soul wont recognize me after tonight
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize