Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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