He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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